i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
