I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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