Apparently you make a good broom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
