I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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