Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
