Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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