My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
