You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
