maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
