I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
