White coat. Heels.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
