totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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