stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
