Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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