I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize