cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
