I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
