ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
