I just threw up on my dentist
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
