life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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