I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
