the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize