i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
