A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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