you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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