I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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