my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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