Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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