Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize