You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
