My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
