you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
