4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
