just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
