He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
