theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
