I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
