Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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