FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
