Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
