Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
