When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
