u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
