she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
