Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
