That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I supernannyed him into submission
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
