So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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