Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
