It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
