you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
