I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
