I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
