you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
whose ass print is on the piano?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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