Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
