So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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