and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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