The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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