I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
