The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
