can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
